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June 2011

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A Split Second - Midnight Express / Hyperbolic (EP)

Artist: A Split Second
Album: Midnight Express / Hyperbolic (EP)
A Split Second Midnight Express / Hyperbolic (EP)
Tracklist :
  • Hyperbolic
  • Midnight Express

Problems at home, anyone familiar with it?

Okay, I just need someone to talk to about this.
It is not a problem about a split in my family, or whatever, but it is a problem with my parents.
Technicallly, I have a problem with my family.
I feel like I do not (read: absolutely not) fit in with my family. They are all, how to call it, different from me. I feel like the "odd one out", you know what I mean?

And I know this is super familiar to many of you, but as a teenager (as that is what I am) you always get the blame. For whatever happens.
And my problem is that whatever my irritating little brother (10, almost 11) and little sister (7) do, I get the blame. And I hate it. And I want it to stop. Currently, I want nothing more than to be able to move out, and live for myself, if it is the way to be without them. And this is so mean and harsh of me, but sometimes I can really hate them. Just for treating me the way they do. They do not hit me, or hurt me or whatever. Not physically anyway. But they hurt me on the inside. And there is no one I can talk to, than the person I do not know.
And that sounds so philosophical, I know, but the person you do not know is often the best person to speak to. And that is: the world, basically. As I (probably) don't know any of you, I think this is a good way to relieve the burden upon my heart (poetical, huh?)

Often, when I am alone, I cry. Just because of the reasons stated above. I feel so sick of myself, that I just want to cry. I cannot help it. And I know this sounds insane, but I also just talk to myself, just as in talking to you right now. It helps me forget that I am the odd one out. Or feel like it, anyway.

At school, I have friends. They see me as the perfect daughter. They see me as the daughter that listens, behaves, cleans up the table and cares for her little brother and little sister.
But technically, I never felt like I loved my mum and dad. That is because I don't know how you would describe that feeling at all. I never had a boyfriend, I have never really been in love, you know. But also, I don't know how to love my parents. I would not, for example, want them to be crushed by a car or whatever. I never really feel the urge to hit them, or to hurt them or whatever.
But mentally, I do.

Recently, I found a paper in the kitchen. It had a whole list of books on it. Short piece of it:

"Parenting books

Playful parenting Lawrence J. Cohen $ 6.50
How to talk so kids will listen... Adele Faber $ 6.68
Siblings without rivalry Adele Faber $7.89
(And then a whole section on me)
How to talk to teens... Adele Faber/Elain Mazlish $6.00
Teenagers! R. Parsons $5.73
The secret of happy parents
Unconditional parenting: moving from rewards and punishment to love and reason Alfie Kohn $5.97 "

The second to last book gives me the feeling that my parents are not happy. I want them to be, which I think suggests that I love them anyway.

But I feel miserable about the whole situation. Utterly miserable. And I don't know how to deal with it. Does anyone has any ideas about how I can change myself? Or my parents or whatever?
Because I hate being the odd one out, all my friends suit in with their families so good, and I hate myself for being blamed. I sometimes think that I am the mistake, but my parents blame me. So I don't know what to do, and I don't want to continue crying myself to sleep.